Conversation with Gabe this morning while putting on mascara:
“Mommy, what you doing?”
“I’m curling my eyelashes.”
“How it work?”
“It clamps my eyelashes and curls them.”
“How it clamp your eyelashes?”
“I open it up and put it round my eyelashes and clamp them.”
“Why you clamp your eyelashes?”
“I’m not clamping them, I’m curling them.”
“What you doing with that brush?”
“I’m painting my eyelashes.”
“Why your mouth open?”
“I don’t know, baby.”
Lol, I have no idea why my mouth was open. And yet, I caught myself doing it again when I repeated the process on the other eye.
I’ve been feeling a little down lately. I don’t know why. I just haven’t been happy. I feel like each day, I’m just going through the motions. Get up, get ready, get the boys ready, drop them off, go to work, pick them up, go home, feed them dinner, get them ready for bed, go to bed, repeat. While the boys still possess the ability to make me laugh and make my heart melt when they smother me with their sweet baby love, it’s the exception to my mood rather than the norm.
I’m constantly on edge. I’m constantly frustrated. And I’m not sure why. I’m sure being sick isn’t helping, but it started before I got sick. It coincided with my new birth control pills, but could that really be it? I don’t know. I just know that I don’t feel right. I guess the term is that I’m feeling blue.
I mean there are things I feel that I’m legitimately upset/nervous/irritated about, but I don’t think they would normally affect me to this degree. I’m nervous about our upcoming beach trip with another family. I’m irritated at the influence my MIL has on my family. I’m upset that my husband values her opinion on our children above mine.
But would it consume me and set me off as much as it has lately if there wasn’t something else going on? I don’t know. I just wish Oscar tried to understand. I wish he maybe tried to see things from my point of view and didn’t automatically assume I was irrational and against his mother. I wish he wouldn’t say some of the things he says regarding my abilities both as a wife and a mother. I’m insecure enough. I need him to support me. I need to know that he feels that I’m good enough.Also, I need to stop putting on mascara, if I'm going to end up crying it all off (or invest in waterproof).